batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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