he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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