I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
