She's hot and she went to Notre Dame. I want to fuck the Catholic right out of her
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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