First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
