Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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