I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
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we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
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After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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