You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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