god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
