white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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