So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
