My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
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I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
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I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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