i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Randomize
