I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
