Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Randomize
