I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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