I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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