i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
