I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Randomize
