Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
