So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
