I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
