We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
