i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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