some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Who died my cat blue again?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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