I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
