Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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