Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
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