see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
