I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
