when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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