btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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