Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Randomize
