if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
