Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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