New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
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