Fine. I'll sleep in my office
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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