What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
