Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Randomize
