she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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