apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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