You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
