In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
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Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
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I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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