I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
