I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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