My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Swine flu is the new snow day.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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