I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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