hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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