I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.
I accept this challenge.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Randomize
