sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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