I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
