I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
it's like iHOP with fire
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
