Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
