Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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