I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
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