I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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