sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
