apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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