sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
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